I think of my father… who raised me up.
Songs that matter to you(or not) — Josh Groban — You raise me up.
The song, enjoy 😉
As I gaze outside the window…
I see a father carrying his son on the shoulders as they walk down my street.
This image brought me back to memory lane, when I was on my father’s shoulders.
I enjoyed it so much, saw things now I could not see before.
I felt loved and cared for, important. I mattered…
As a young child, you lookup to your father, you want to be like him.
But as I grew up… the cuddling factor diminishes, got replaced by one remark after another: you are a fuckup.
Laughing at any attempt I take to make something out of my life.
Trying to make my father to be proud of me became an ordeal.
So much of an ordeal that at the age of 22 I tried to kill myself, because I believed him; I was a fuckup after losing a 7 million dollar business.
I am a fuckup? Even the suicide attempt was a failure…
My best friend, who found me almost naked, sitting in a corner shivering and numb, brought me to the hospital.
My life took a pivot when I was in the waiting room till it was my turn to see the shrink.
I was mad at myself. You have two choices; I told myself. Either you jump out of the window now and your miserable life is over, or you going to live the life you want.
I chose the latter…
For a while, my father, shaken up by this event, was for a few months back the father I looked up to when I was a young child. He cared for me again.
But life goes on…
My suicidal attempt became a miscellaneous fact that happened in his life, and he went back to being the man who I tried to make proud without success.
Even the wife I married was not good enough for him.
My love for him turned into hate.
I didn’t care anymore if he was alive or not.
I haven’t spoken to him in years…
As I gaze once more out of the window…
An empty street is what I see now.
I think of my father…
Will I ever find the courage to look him up, tell him I still love him and forgive for all he did to me, that the man I am now is thanks to him?
I don’t know…
Time will tell, hope it will not be too late when I take that step…
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be.
Till next song that matters to you (or not)